Read what Mr. DeLallo has to say and see what you can do to make it so today.

We are kindred spirits, We the People who champion Freedom, who love Liberty, and for some of us, swore an oath to protect and defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic. We served, we fought, we bled, and many of us left good friends behind. On Memorial Day, many folks will simply have another three day weekend, replete with frosty beverages, cookouts, and the company of friends.

Others will rise early and the Dawn Patrol will fire three volleys at war memorials all over the land. We’ll then march or drive in parades past the reviewing stand and on to the graveyards. There, we will see the ocean of miniature flags waving in the morning breeze, and we will remember the sacrifices of those who gave all they were and all they would ever be upon the altar of Freedom. They did so not so much as heroes, although each and every one is a hero, but as warriors. And so it is that we offer remembrance and gratitude to each man and woman, Patriots all, who rest in peace under the Standard of our Republic.

And so, if tomorrow morning you hear a muffled rumble of gunfire, and perhaps the simple melody of Taps, rise, and offer a salute to the Colors and a prayer of remembrance for all who bravely soldiered on, so that you and I may live in the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave.

Here’s how it works. Send an e-mail to thesundriesshack [at] the gmail com place with the subject “Delivery Birthday Book”. Include your name, if it’s not already baked into your e-mail address and, if you remember to do so, tell me what book you want (peruse Audible’s catalog beforehand, just to make sure they have what you want). If you don’t tell me what book you want, I’ll have to e-mail you back and ask you, which will take more time.

The deadline is 11:59 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2013. You don’t have much time. Hurry. On Monday, April 29th, I’ll take each entrant’s name and write it on a piece of paper. The pieces of paper will go, folded, into a hat. I’ll draw four names. Those winners will get the one-credit audiobook of their choice from Audible. That’s it. No like, favorite, follow, subscribe, or blog follow required. No purchase necessary. No donation demanded. I don’t get anything from Audible for doing this. Just send an e-mail. This isn’t a promotion; it’s a gift from me to you.

I need your e-mail address not only as your means of entry but so I can send out what is essentially your gift-certificate. If I can make it work, I’ll record a Vine video of the actual drawing, but understand I only get six seconds to do draw the names, so that may not work. But I will try. Oh, and if you don’t want your real name appearing in the Vine video, give me a Twitter handle. That should work, too.

Make sense? Clear enough? No hassles. Easy-peasy.

Of course, if you live in a place where such things aren’t legal, you can’t participate. Also, I’m keeping this as simple and transparent as possible so I don’t have to jump through a bazillion legal hoops. I want to give four people an audiobook to celebrate my birthday. Let’s not make a big production out of it!

Okay, so that that. Fire off your e-mail and watch my Twitter feed on Monday evening. That’s where I’ll post the Vine video, assuming I can make it work. If not, I’ll post the names/Twitter handles of the winners.

UPDATE: We have a winner!

Wait…a winner? One winner? Yep. I set up the World’s Easiest Giveaway and exactly one person decided to take me up on it. Congratulations to Susie!

I’ve decided, since I wanted to give away a few books, that Susie will get not one, but three audiobooks. Happy My Birthday to her.

Second half shenanigans involve social media and my years of failure. Take heart, though! We will not wallow! There is much we can learn from studying where our efforts went awry so that when we meet an opportunity again, in the words of Inigo Montoya, “…I will no fail”. Success breeds success, but failures can breed more efficient success, if we’re brave enough to look at the wreckage of what we’ve done wrong in order and pick out the useful bits. Can we be brave? I think so.

That, folks, is not the best part of this story. I know it may seem like it is, what the the images you now have in your mind of fleets of fast attack boats firing lasers at craven Somali pirate ships, exploding them like the most awesome episode of G.I. Joe ever. But hold your imagination in check just a little longer for the real payoff — the rest of that last sentence.

…but while the Navy considered the test a success, they noted it’s only a small indicator of the eventual power of the laser system.

[Emphasis mine]

Oh. OH!

The eventual power? Forget shooting down missiles. I’m pretty sure “the eventual power” is Navy Weapon Geek Secret Code for “Wave Motion Gun”.

Let’s get that working and then develop an interstellar propulsion system we can mount on a battleship and we’re in business!

We’re not up to space-faring battleships just yet, but we’ve come one step closer.

The Pentagon has plans to deploy its first ever ship-mounted laser next year, a disruptive, cutting-edge weapon capable of obliterating small boats and unmanned aerial vehicles with a blast of infrared energy.

Navy officials announced Monday that in early 2014, a solid-state laser prototype will be mounted to the fantail of the USS Ponce and sent to the 5th fleet region in the Middle East for real-world experience.

By “real world experience”, I hope they mean “poking fiery holes in the fuel tanks and ammo stores of Iranian gunboats”.

Now this isn’t the bright Star Blazers future I really want, but we’re one step closer to it, right?

Pillories. The stocks. Public shame for a short period of time, occasionally punctuated with the application of rotten fruit to or about the face of the shamed, and sanctioned by the community. Ruthless public mockery of the sort seen in Billy Madison, where the person being mocked has to stand there and take it.

Mr. Madison, what you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

And when the mockery is done, it’s done. No recriminations once the pillory is open and the mess is cleaned up. We wouldn’t put it on someone’s permanent record as we do a criminal conviction. After a few days, we’d largely forget it happened. But — and this is the important thing — the person who spent those hours with rotten tomato juice dripping from their forehead would not forget. They’d try very hard not to end up there again. We’d move on to the next person and do what we could to make sure we didn’t end up there one day.

Public shame of the organized sort and not the bully-boy tactics of brave internet warriors and television talking heads would, I think, be a useful way to make sure certain sorts of foolishness don’t happen all that often.

Let me give you four examples of people who’d spent a couple days in the stocks were I in charge, to show you what I’m after here.

1) James Schiliro, mayor of Marcus Hook, PA and member of “Mayors Against Illegal Guns”.

Mayor Schiliro wants to take your guns away from you. Oh, sure, he’ll deny it. He’ll say he’s for “reasonable” gun laws. In reality, though, he wants to make it more difficult for people who obey the law and pose no threat to another innocent human being to own a firearm.
Last month, this paragon of puffed-up virtue got himself locked up after he allegedly got drunk, used his own firearm to hold an acquaintance hostage, propositioned said acquaintance after he gave the under-aged man liquor, and fired a round into the floor.
Should Mayor Schiliro go to jail? Not in my America. I say we take put the Mayor in the stocks for a couple days so the entire town, indeed every American who holds their Constitutional rights precious, can jeer him. The guy he kept captive in his allegedly drunken, horny fury can chuck the first rotten head of lettuce.
2) Melissa Harris-Perry, MS-NBC television show host and college professor.

Melissa Harris-Perry wants to take your children away from you. As with Mayor Schiliro, she wouldn’t actually admit to that desire. She’s likely say that she was misinterpreted by right-Wing Nut Jobs when she said in an advertisement for her network that we had to throw off our proletarian idea that a parent is the ultimate owner of and authority for their child.

A couple of days in the stocks, being yelled at by parents who understand the quickest way to ruin a child is to place her in the hands of uncaring, incompetent, unmotivated bureaucrats might give her a reason to think before she cuts another promo that praises the murderous socialist ideal. If it doesn’t dissuade her, it might well give the other upper-class socialists reason to think twice before they let their red flags fly.

3) The person in the Department of Defense who gave the green light to the presentation that listed Catholics, Evangelical Christians, and Mormons as “Extremists”.

Some knucklehead inside the Department of Defense wants to take your free exercise of religion away from you. I have no idea what chain of command approved this presentation on religious extremist threats, but we need some names. The very idea that you could put Mormons on a threat list that also includes the Muslim Brotherhood and the Ku Klux Klan is so staggeringly ignorant I can’t comprehend how it exists. Still, lots of stupid ideas live happily in a lot of brains out there, which is why we need the public pillories. Shame is an excellent cure for public stupidity.

Whoever wrote that presentation (though ideally I want the guy who approved it) needs to spend a couple days in the stocks. I’d say they ought to get pelted by Mormons and Catholics and Evangelical Christians, but in my experience the devout believers wronged by the DoD’s presentation wouldn’t be all that interested in being part of a public spectacle. So we’ll find some stand-ins. Perhaps a few major-league pitchers, men with great arms and uncanny accuracy, could stand in for them on tomato detail.

4) The senior Obama administration official who said we need to tax retirement accounts that have more money than “is needed to fund reasonable levels of retirement saving”.

The Obama administration wants to take your labor and your future away from you. How else can you explain a law based on the belief that a government official should decide what constitutes a “reasonable” retirement? Whose business is it if you work your tail off today, deprive yourself of luxuries while you are young, so you can do anything you want after retirement without having to worry about paying the bills?

I’m sure they’ll explain that they need the money to fund programs for children and poor people and widows and puppies and little ponies that don’t have enough hay, but that’s what power-hungry stooges always say. There are always poor people or deprived ponies who need help from a government that takes more than it gives, that funds lavish lives for the bureaucrats who want everything from you they can take. Stick them in the stocks. Let the working man whose gasoline bill is sky-high thanks to the ignorant meddling of progressive do-gooders have a day to jeer and shame. Let the poor person stuck for life in a system they can never leave because that guy in the stocks won’t let them go have a turn with the power.

Shame is a powerful weapon. Ridicule deflates overblown egos. Public disapprobation keeps the crazy behind closed doors where it belongs and out of your life. Maybe we ought to bring it back and see what we can do to take back control of our country and our lives. All it’ll cost us is a little lumber for the stocks and some old vegetables, right?

(Photo Credit: the wonderful @RuBegonia on Twitter)

When I want to watch an action movie, I’ll choose from any of a hundred quite good flicks in the genre. I can get a great free-fall scene from Point Break, or a vehicle chase from The Transporter, or witty sidekick repartee from Die Hard with a Vengeance (which reminds me, why, exactly, does Scotty have a homonculous? Is he auditioning for a spot as the Star Trek universe’s Dr. Moreau?). None of those, however, have the sense of wonder and questing into the unknown of a Star Trek movie. Even the worst of the Trek flicks reached beyond the borders of our universe and met God, kind of. Who do we meet in Abrams-Trek? Old and busted stuff from the past, presentedly in the most ho-hum manner possible. Spock. An angry Romulan or Vulcan or whatever he was. Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention after he busted out the Evil Mining Equipment and the Magical Mystery Matter and blew Vulcan to flinders.

I’ll give Abrams credit for one thing. If you’re going to reboot a venerated series with perhaps the deepest and most rich canon of any sci-fi universes, you might as well blow up one of its linchpin planets. The old Trek guys never went that far. They only blew up a moon of a minor linchpin planet. Wusses.

Now he’s moved on to blowing up major cities on Earth.

I remember this movie; The Dark Knight it was called. Of course, Damon Lindelhof (you know, the guy behind the incomprehensible and eventually-disappointing Lost , the incomprehebsible and eventually-disappointing Cowboys & Aliens, and the incomprehensible and eventually-disappointing Prometheus) won’t tell us who the villain really is nor why he’s into blowing stuff up and breaking out of prison and wreaking horrible threats upon our dewy-eyed young heroes. I’m not exactly filled with confidence as Lindelhof is about as sure-handed with a plot as the baker in the Sesame Street skit is with a tray full of coconut custard pies and Abrams has a track record for promising one movie in a trailer and giving you quite another on the big screen.

Inside the newest trailer, by the way, cleverly hidden next to a half-naked 20-something Dr. Carol Marcus, was a web address where you could find the latest poster for the movie. Take a look and tell me why I, an Abrams skeptic, shouldn’t write this new movie off as Just Another Clever Action Flick with an Attached Popular Brand Name.

What about that says “this is a Star Trek movie” besides the words “Star Trek”? Where are the spaceships? Where is, well, space? Where is the “boldly going”, the very heart of the Star Trek franchise?

What we have here is a plain-old action movie poster and not a very original one at that. I couldn’t quite place what really bothered my about it until a good friend of mine pointed out to me a couple interesting things. First, look at the stars across the top of the poster — Uhura, Kirk, and Mr. Spock, Action Vulcan. Recognize that pose? Here, let me jog your memory.

And the menacing Cumberbatch front and center with billowing futuristic trenchcoat? We’ve seen him before, too.

Charlie’s Angels meets The Matrix? Well, that’s not how I’d sell a Star Trek movie. Compare that to the poster for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, the most craptastic of all the Star Trek movies.

Admittedly, this isn’t a great movie poster. Why in the world are there what appear to be Mongols at the bottom (you find out during the movie, much to your horror)? Why is there so, so much pink? Why are Kirk and Spock’s faces paintings instead of portraits or screencaps? Still, the essential Trek-ness is there: the Enterprise, “adventure and imagination” written front and center, the whole sense of “going forth” in the zoomy “v” lines that frame the movie logo. I see that and I think “well, I don’t know where it’s going, but it’s certainly a Star Trek movie”.

I don’t get that from anything I’ve seen of any Abrams-Trek movie. Oh, sure, the Trekkish elements are there in the names of the characters and ships. The Federation exists. We have Vulcans and Romulans and Warp Drives and things that cannae take the strain, Cap’n but they all feel like slapped-on labels there to say “Of course this is a Trek movie. Look! Kirk! Enterprise! Pointy-eared logical guy! Hot chick! The other dudes!”

Maybe I”m wrong. Maybe Abrams corrected the mistakes that made his first Trek movie (IMO) unwatchable. Maybe he’s plugged the wonder and exploration into this movie and cranked them both all the way up. I’ve not seen it in any of the trailers, but perhaps he’s hiding all the really good stuff from us. I don’t know why he’d do that, but I accept that movie directors are strange ducks who like to keep clever secrets. So, maybe he’ll surprise me.

While I’m at it, though, I probably ought to wish for a pony.

Okay. First up, a six year-old kid playing Rush’s “Tom Sawyer”. No, don’t you dare skip over this one. Keep in mind he’s six and trying to play a song that vexes even the greatest living drummer in the explored galaxy.

Like that? Here’s another drum cover of the same song, edited a bit for time, by a young lady whose videos fascinate me. Her name is Meytal Cohen and she’s out in Los Angeles, by way of Israel. She is very, very good and obviously loves what she does — an irresistible combination.

Yes, I noticed she’s a knockout. Oddly enough, the more I watched her play, the less I noticed what she looked like. Skill and enthusiasm holds my attention a heck of a lot longer than a cute smile. Check out how well she handles Rush’s instrumental “YYZ”. Also, go ahead and try not to be blown away at the 2:14 mark and utterly charmed at the 2:20 mark. I dare you. She’ll get your attention back on the drums at 2:30.

One more from Meytal, who I hope gets into a band that can showcase her incredible chops very soon. This one’s Zeppelin. “Black Dog”. Oh, I see your skepticism over there. Yes, you giving me the “oh please!” look right now. Peart and Bonham, you say? Hell yes, I say. She doesn’t have Bonham’s heavy bass drum foot, but she has his patience and his rock-solid tempo, which is what you need to handle Zeppelin. Also, she sings along silently to some of the vocals, a musician thing with which I identify strongly. Very strongly, actually.

No go forth and find your own amateur cover tune goodness!

Predictably, the Chinese government has blamed the loss other people — the bureaucrats who came before them or that Ol’ Debbil Climate Change. The truth, however, is that most of the fault lies squarely on their stupid adherence to the deadly precepts of socialism.

According to the South China Morning Post, officials attributed the decline to global warming and outdated mapping techniques, saying previous estimates were based on incomplete topographical maps from the 1950s. Experts, meanwhile, say there are more direct factors at play — namely, explosive economic development and poor environmental stewardship.

Ma Jun, director of the Beijing-based Institute of Public and Environmental Affairs, acknowledges that updated mapping techniques could explain some discrepancies in river estimates, though he notes that the government’s findings corroborate those from independent studies.

“Our research has shown that in some areas, especially in north China, rivers are drying up or turning into seasonal rivers,” Ma said in a phone interview with The Verge. There are several explanations for this phenomenon, including deforestation and, to a less certain extent, climate change, though Ma says the two primary catalysts are pollution and overpopulation.

Together, they form a potentially disastrous combination. China’s mushrooming population has added extra strain to its limited water supply, while the country’s rampant industrialization has left many rivers contaminated.

A couple notes here. It’s interesting the Chinese government notes those erroneous maps date back to the 1950s, because that’s the decade of the Great Leap Forward, which resulted in roughly 30 million dead thanks to the famine caused by Mao’s unshakable belief that he knew best. Mao’s bureaucrats couldn’t make maps because they were busy trying to turn an agrarian economy into an industrial economy using every ridiculous collectivist notion they could grab. Afterwards, the government could have produced accurate maps but it spent the next two decades of the Cultural Revolution slaughtering its way across the countryside. Instead of governing an intelligent, industrious population and watching China grow into a prosperous and happy nation, Mao and his band of socialist butchers turned it into a paranoid, poor country whose economy is built on intellectual theft and cyber-banditry.

And that’s where we are right now. Climate change isn’t to blame for China’s missing rivers. The tyrants in Beijing caused the problem. Look to the mega-dams that have displaces millions, re-routed rivers, and destroyed entire ecosystems. Look to the lack of laws that protect the people or the environment, even though the government has all the power to enforce any environmental law it wishes. Despite all the power concentrated at the very top for more than half a century, China is not a progressive utopia but a horror show.

Could we perhaps take a lesson from China and put the brakes on the meddling know-it-alls who, like the tyrants in Beijing, think they know how to run a country all by themselves? I know we’re a long way from Great Leaps Forward and river disappearances but I’d really like to keep as much distance as we can between us and the failures of socialism. America is pretty great and China isn’t. There are reasons for both. Let’s remember them, huh?

(Photo Credit: AdamCohn on Flickr)

Lovecraft was not exactly a paragon of manly virtue nor was he a particularly nice man. A self-avowed racist, many of his stories contain language you simply would not get past an editor today. As an example, see the name of the main character’s cat in The Rats in the Walls. It’s tempting to say he was a product of his time, and that may be true to an extent, but Lovecraft went a bit over the top when it came to dislike for those of other races (and mixed race relationships, which is odd considering he married a Jewish woman).

The Basic Setup and Where to Find the Stories

The outline of the classic Lovecraft story is this: The protagonist, who is usually a young and curious man with academic leanings comes across something  – an old statue, a scrap of old manuscript, a local legend, a forgotten house, a curious medical story — that piques his interest. He begins to investigate the thing that grabbed his attention only to find it is the tip of a mountain of legend and lore that goes back farther and reaches deeper into the shadows of forbidden knowledge than he reckoned. Usually, at some point, another character shows up to warn him off the hunt, but the warning goes unheeded. As the investigation proceeds, the protagonist becomes increasingly disturbed by what he uncovers but is unable to stop. His search often leads him well off the well-traveled roads into towns where the locals aren’t quite right and he’s seen as an interloper. Eventually, he reaches the core of the mystery as which poi–AAAH! NAMELESS AND MIND-BLASTING HORRORS FROM BEYOND TIME AND SPACE! *gibber drool slurp twitch*

Okay, his stories don’t all end in a loud minor chord but a good number of them do, which is part of their appeal. Much like Stephen King’s finest novels The Shining and Pet Sematary, we know fairly early on in the story that a Lovecraftian protagonist is going to meet with a horrible end, but we can’t turn away. We need to see where they mystery leads as much as he does, but we at least have the confidence that our brain won’t end up excised by alien insects and prepared for transport to their cold and light-less home.

Probably.

Because Lovecraft was not possessed with much business sense and died without heirs, his works have passed into the public domain. You can read them all for free on the web at the H.P. Lovecraft archive or download a well put-together compilation of his works for your e-reader of choice. If you choose the latter, please thank CthulhuChick for her hard work.

Now that you have the stories in front of you, click on the link or open that book in your e-reader and…

Holy Crapweasel! So. Many. Stories.

You noticed that, too? Lovecraft was a prolific author and the sheer number of stories are enough to put anyone off. Where in the world do you start? Should you read chronologically (and chance being put off good stories by a few early clunkers)? Are there ongoing themes? I’ll be honest, though I’m a Lovecraft fan, I haven’t read everything he wrote and I probably won’t because some of it, his poetry particularly, isn’t really my speed. That said, you may really dig it and if you do, dive in!

Really, you don’t need to read everything. We’re going to use the Table of Contents to send us straight to the good stuff and, after you’ve read those, if you want to cover even more ground, you can. The important thing to remember is that most of Lovecraft’s stories are short. You can read them in one sitting. His novellas are good for a few hours of lights-out, hunker under the covers, keep a baseball bat handy in case something is hiding under the bed or behind the closet door reading.

Before I send you to the good stuff, though, let’s do a bit of necessary culling.

Set These Aside for Later

We’ve already set aside the poems (unless, of course, you love poetry, in which case start there and come back in a couple months). Now, let’s lay aside the stories that comprise the Dream Cycle (which you can find in one inexpensive volume here). Lovecraft wrote an entire category of stories that revolve around “The Dreamlands”, a separate dimension the protagonists could only access through their dreams. While I like the Dream Cycle stories, they’re…different. You may want to tackle them after you get a good feel for Lovecraft’s vibe. I’ve taken this list from the Dream Cycle Wikipedia page, to which you can refer if you’re curious.

• “Polaris”
• “The White Ship”
• “The Doom That Came to Sarnath”
• “The Cats of Ulthar”
• “Celephaïs”
• “Ex Oblivione”
• “From Beyond”
• “Nyarlathotep”
• “The Quest of Iranon”
• “The Other Gods”
• “Azathoth”
• “Hypnos”
• “What the Moon Brings”
• “The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath”
• “The Outsider”
• “The Silver Key”
• “The Strange High House in the Mist”
• “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward”
• “The Dreams in the Witch House”
• “Through the Gates of the Silver Key”

There are two exceptions to the list . “The Dreams in the Witch House” is a solid story apart from the Dreamlands component and it reads more like a conventional Gothic horror story than, say, “The Silver Key”. Put that one back in the “Read sooner than later” bucket. “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward” is Lovecraft’s only novel-length work (about 50,000 words). Though it deals heavily with the Dreamlands, it roams about in other places and is a pretty good introduction to the overall themes that tend to crop up in his other stories – sorcerers, Things Man Was Not Meant to Know, plots from outside time and space, mighty beings who wish the destruction of men, and the ever-present intrepid investigator who ends up in an asylum. It’s not one of my favorites, but it’s not bad. If you decide to get into the Dream Cycle, start with the novel.

The Essential List

Now that we’ve set aside the Dream Cycle stories, I’ll sift out the best of the rest. I tried to give you a rough reading order, based on how much I liked each tale, so the last one in each list is my favorite.

Longer works:

• At the Mountains of Madness
• The Call of Cthulhu
• The Colour Out of Space
• The Whisperer in Darkness
• The Dunwich Horror
• The Shadow over Innsmouth

Shorter works:

• The Dreams in the Witch House
• The Shunned House
• Pickman’s Model
• The Tomb
• The Lurking Fear
• The Thing on the Doorstep
• Cool Air
• The Rats in the Walls
• The Music of Erich Zann
• The Haunter of the Dark

There you go. That’s your list of essential H.P. Lovecraft stories. I did leave a few off the list for you to discover on your own. Besides, you don’t want to limit yourself to the stories I like. What’s the fun in that? Go read a few more and find the ones you like best. When you do discover those little gems, leave a note in the comments to tell me what you found and why you liked it. I’d love to hear from you!

I’ve been thinking a lot about our immigration system lately, mostly because Republicans in Congress are about to commit several acts of political stupidity. They hope to finally solve the Washington-created puzzle called “comprehensive immigration reform” in a way that brings more Hispanics to their Republican yard.

I’m no politician, as you may have noticed. If I were, I’d be lousy at it. My first “Gang of Eight, Plus Jimmie” meeting would end with me calling Lindsey Graham a vote-whoring waste of a public employee salary. However, if you put me in charge of our immigration system, I’d give this speech after a year.

Good morning, new immigrants and everyone who wants to come to the United States. We’re glad you want to be a part of the greatest nation on the face of the planet. We have just a few things you’ll need to know.

First, you’ll notice you got in pretty quickly. It used to take years for a new immigrant to enter the country legally, but we fixed that. It cost a good bit of money, we had to fire a bunch of incompetent employees and hire a whole lot more, but we believe we’re ready to get you into our country quickly and efficiently. We apologize to those of you who had to wait far longer than you should have to get here. You gave us your respect and we treated it like garbage. For that we are deeply sorry. We’re thankful you chose to honor our law unlike the several million who broke in to our country and stole what did not belong to them. Though we can’t make up for the lost years, we hope that the refund of the money we demanded from you and a waiver of the processing fee will make up for some of the inconvenience.

We have two flavors of immigration: those who want to become Americans and those who want to work here a while then go back home. We’ve done away with different visas for different workers, quota systems, hidden fees, shady regulations, and bureaucrats who spend more time tormenting you than handling your application. The new system is based on the free marker. If we need more immigrants, we’ll take all who want to come. If our economy goes stale, there won’t be much room for you to find gainful employment and you won’t come here, or if you do, you won’t stay here long.

Let me give you the basic rules.

1. If you think you can sneak across our border and stay here as long as you like, think again. We’ll give you an incredible amount of freedom so long as you work within the system, but we won’t tolerate thieves and rule-breakers. We take our rules seriously. We spent quite a lot of money to hire the very best Border Patrol agents in the world and we’ve given them the best tools and a justice system designed to stop you from stealing from our citizens and those immigrants who obey our simple rules. Chances are, you won’t get past them. When they catch you, they will send you back home immediately and you will never be allowed to come here legally again. You get no appeal, no second chance. If by some quirk of fate you do get past them, we will find you. You won’t be able to get a job because American companies fear the Hammer of God we will use on them if they hire an illegal immigrant. Without a job, you’ll have to live in the shadows but they won’t hide you. We have people who know all the tricks and hiding places. Some of them used to be immigrants just like you. We will find you. When we do, we will send you home. Period. You will never come back again.
2. If you’re convicted of a felony while you’re here, you go home. No appeal. No whining. No absconding. We take you from the courtroom to an airplane and you’re gone. We’ll help arrange to get your belongings home after you’re back, so don’t worry about them.
3. You get no federal welfare of any kind. Zero. Not a penny. If the state where you live wants to make you eligible for welfare, that’s on them. You may think that cruel, but citizenship has its benefits. The government safety net is one of them.
4. You have to learn English. It is our common language and we expect everyone to use it at a basic level of proficiency. We’re not saying you can’t use your native language; in fact, we think it’d be good if you helped your co-workers and neighbors learn your language as the opportunities arise. America is a melting pot, which means you blend. We all blend. It’s one of the things that makes us a great place to live. But America’s main language is English and you have to learn it along with the rest of us.
5. And speaking of things that make America a great place to live, we’re also going to ask that you abide by our Constitution. We have a number of freedoms here which we will extend to you while you are here, but you don’t get to pick and choose. That means no enclaves where you set up a law above our law. No getting all shaky-kneed if someone says something bad about your country, your God, or your Mama (though if someone bad-mouths your Mama, you’re allowed to punch them in the mouth. That’s an American thing, too. We won’t hold that against you).
6. Last thing. While you’re here, we ask that you keep your address current with us. You can do that in person, by mail (or UPS or FedEx. We apologize for the unreliable nature of our postal service. Hey, maybe you can stick around and help us fix it!), or electronically. We will check intermittently to make sure you live where you say you live and you’ve been keeping your nose clean. The checks won’t be onerous or capricious. We’ll give you fair warning before we check on you by mail, e-mail, or text message so you can make sure your information is current. If we have to come looking for you, we’re not going to be happy, and the new people we hired to find you are very, very good. As I said before, some of them used to be immigrants themselves. They know the community and all the tricks. Please trust us.

Easy-peasy. Now lets get into the two types of visas we have: work and residency. They are virtually the same except how they end. A work visa ends with your returning to your home country on or before the expiration date. The residency visa ends with United States citizenship.

Two notes here. First, for those of you on a work visa. We don’t mind if you come here to enjoy the benefits of the greatest economic system the world has ever known. We hope you take what you learn here about capitalism, charity, free markets, and our Constitution and spread them around your home countries. If you like, open a franchise there. We can put you in contact with a couple helpful American companies who can make your entrepreneurial dreams come true in your homeland.

Also, you have to keep your employment information current with us just like you do your other contact information. We understand that sometimes jobs come and go, but if you’re here on a work visa, you need to be working or looking for work. That might mean you have to take a minimum wage job for a while. It’s hard, but we’ve all had to do it. If you can’t find a job and money is tight, let us know. At worst, we’ll send you home but if you come to us voluntarily and you have to go home, no sweat. You can come back if the situation gets better. No harm, no foul.

Second, if you’re here on a residency visa, you don’t have to keep your employment information current. We do need to know how to find you, but if you had a fortune back home and you want to spend your time lounging around or seeing the sights or researching a novel, help yourself. What you do while you’re here is pretty much your business (consistent, of course, with the basic rules). We prefer if you get a job, join a church and maybe a neighborhood group or two, volunteer somewhere, and get a head start on becoming an American before you take the Oath, though. Take your place in the melting pot early. Start today. Be a good citizen before you’re actually a citizen. Remember, though, that you’re not eligible for federal welfare assistance, so keep that in mind.

We realize this means we have the most liberal immigration system in the world. We’re okay with that. We think America is awesome and we want as many people to be a part of this wonderful experiment in liberty as possible. If you think you can make a go of it here, come on. If you’re already pursuing your dream, well, welcome to America. We’re glad you’re here.

Of course, there are a few details to be worked out. The free market will act as a natural control valve for how many immigrants want to enter the country, but for many immigrants, a minimum wage job is a tidy sum compared to what they could earn at home. We’d have to tighten up the inspection process to make sure the immigrants who are here are working and not living on the streets (since we’re not horrible people and we don’t want an entire underclass of people who come here for minimum wage, live in boxes, and send what they earn home). Those standards shouldn’t be tough to write if the rest of the system is open and transparent.