I used to love the Weekly World News. I never minded handing over a couple bucks to learn where Bat Boy had landed to fight the Islamists or the latest “Dick Cheney is a Robot” story. Nearly every page entertained me and, since I’m already a fan of weird fiction, I could imagine a story hook in virtually every article. Alas, the WWN went to a web-only format a while ago, where it’s had to compete with other fantasy-based sites as Think Progress and MS-NBC.
However, I had a WWN flashback when I picked this article from my RSS reader. I admit I held it a day or so, on the off-chance that it was a hoax. So far, it’s holding up. I swear to you, folks, this is a real news story, published by a major media outlet.
Capitalism may be to blame for the lack of life on the planet Mars, Venezuela’s socialist President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday.
“I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet,” Chavez said in speech to mark World Water Day.
Chavez, who also holds capitalism responsible for many of the world’s problems, warned that water supplies on Earth were drying up.
I’m tempted to laugh off his comments, except that Venezuela is the fifth-leading importer of crude oil to the United States (and not all that far out of fourth). That means that we depend on this barking madman for a critical national need. It also means that, thanks to the President’s decision to essentially end significant domestic oil drilling, we will only grow more dependent on him.
Let me say that again another way: Because Barack Obama won’t let us drill for our own oil, we will have to buy oil from a man who believes that Mars was once a green and pleasant land, full of happy little Martians, until foul capitalism and imperalism showed up and destroyed the entire planet God knows how many millions of years ago.
Does that make even a little bit of sense to you? If so, lease let me know, because it sounds like utter madness to me.