Democrats at the State of the Union: Republicans, You are Our Density

2011 may go down as the year the State of the Union completed its transformation from a stately and sober governmental ceremony to a full-blown three-ring circus. Actually, that’s not fair to circuses, which are usually tightly-managed professional productions whose sole purpose is to delight and amaze the audience. This year’s address is likely to be none of those things. We’re far more likely to see ninety minutes of desperation and tears as the President tries with all his might to put on a new Centrist suit in an attempt to convince us that, despite the past two years, he’s a lot more like Ronald Reagan than FDR or LBJ.

But he’s looked like the very model of political cleverness compares to his fellow Democrats in Congress who are so desperate not to be seen with each other that they might as well all show up tomorrow night in fedoras and Groucho glasses. Their latest brilliant idea is to turn the State of the Union into the Enchantment by the Sea dance from Back to the Future with each of them in the role of George McFly desperately trying to win the affections of the lovely and unapproachable electorate (played by Lea Thompson, of course).

I’m serious. Member of Congress have been pairing up like high school seniors a month before the prom because…well…now here’s where I’m hazy.

Senator Udall, a Democrat from Utah Colorado, decided that the violent rhetoric was getting out of hand because a crazy guy whose politics came from a distant star system called Looney Tooneus IV decided to take out a grudge he had against Rep. Gabrielle Giffords by shooting her and a bunch of other people around her. Udall had no actual evidence that violent rhetoric has anything to do with it and indeed all the evidence proved that it did not, but these days the left doesn’t need evidence to blame stuff on crazy right-wingers. They kind of keep this “violent rhetoric” narrative warmed up and on five-minute standby.

Udall’s idea was that it was violently rhetorical and cruelly divisive to have Democrats sit on one side of the aisle and Republicans on the other. Never mind that we’ve had that seating arrangement for a very long time with causing hordes of crazed right-wingers launching an orgy of violence against the meek and lowly left. We also shouldn’t consider that the traditional arrangement would show the true impact of last November’s elections once America could see how badly Democrats are outnumbered in Congress. No, we needed a new arrangement, so he sent around a letter asking members of Congress to find themselves a prom date seating buddy to show bipartisanship and so that Democrats could share their sode pops and popcorn with someone nice.

So now we have member of Congress acting like they’ve joined some perverse new online dating service, complete with turn-ons and turn-offs. We’ve managed to enter a silly new season of national politics where the only things that can save us are Marty McFly and a wicked guitar solo. I only have two questions, really. First, will the Democrats have to wear the wrist corsages? And how drunk all of us will get playing the SotU drinking game?

CORRECTION: No, Mark Udall is not from Utah, but Colorado. Thanks, PerlStalker!

Tags: Democrats, Free Speech (?)