Great Mysteries in the News (or, All Those Terrorists, and No Place to Try Them!)

| January 29, 2010 | Reply

Sometimes, when I read the news, I come across a story that asks a question so puzzling that I am, well, puzzled. Take this one, for instance.

“White House orders Justice Department to look for other places to hold 9/11 terror trial”

The White House ordered the Justice Department on Thursday night to consider other places to try the 9/11 terror suspects after a wave of opposition to holding the trial in lower Manhattan.

The dramatic turnabout came hours after Mayor Bloomberg said he would “prefer that they did it elsewhere” and then spoke to Attorney General Eric Holder.

Hmm…surely there’s another place they could try enemy combatants, but where? This mystery may require both the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew to solve!

“It would be an inconvenience at the least, and probably that’s too mild a word for people that live in the neighborhood and businesses in the neighborhood,” Bloomberg told reporters.

“There are places that would be less expensive for the taxpayers and less disruptive for New York City.”

Goodness, yes! Not to mention safer for the good citizens of New York City. But where? Forget Nancy and the Boys, this may require the brainpower of Jupiter Jones and his Three Investigators to figure out! Wait, not them.

I know! Let’s ask Chuck Schumer to put his mighty cranium to work on it.

Sen. Chuck Schumer said he was “pleased” by the decision and said the White House also told him Thursday night it backs a possible move.

Earlier in the day, Schumer spoke “with high-level members of the administration and urged them to find alternatives,” said the senator’s spokesman, Josh Vlasto.

Gosh, he wasn’t any help. It’s almost like he just showed up to do some posturing to get his name in the news, then disappeared without contributing a single useful idea. But we know better. Chuck Schumer is a smart guy, and decent, and kind — he tells us so all the time! He wouldn’t leave his good buddy Barack in such a befuddled predicament.

I’m sure we can help. We’re Americans. We can figure out anything. Let’s try some brainstorming. We want a location that’s not in the middle of a major metropolis packed full of innocent American civilians since those places are like candy to the Islamist murderers. It’d be nice if the venue came with its own security force, trained to handle high-value detainees, already in place. Oh, and it should be a fairly isolated location, so that if any Islamist sheep-lovers decided to try anything funny, we’d be able to see them coming long before they got there.

Ooh. That last one’s a toughie. It’d be pretty awesome if this location, seemingly as mythical as Shangri-La itself, were someplace we already controlled, yet not actually on American soil.


Nope. I’m stumped. Darn that ignorant chimp George Bush for sitting on his cowboy backside for eight years and not bothering to do any homework on this! Now we have all these Islamists locked up safe as houses at Guantanamo Bay but we don’t have a single, secure, isolated place to try them…

Wait…you think maybe…?

Naaaaaah. It’s too easy.

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Category: The Long War Here At Home

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