I Can’t Quite Quit Michael Bay.
Dear Movie Reviewers,
This is what a good movie review looks like (content warning: spoilers, bad language, and mental images of Michael Bay naked). Note how the reviewer smiles through the pain in a vain attempt to convince us all that he isn’t the least bit resentful that he paid twenty bucks for the theatrical equivalent of being hooked up to The Machine.
How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn’t give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh… to bring Megatron back to life?What?
That’s what they said.But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.…and now it can also bring him back to life.
It’s very powerful, this Allspark.Uh-huh. So what’s their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.Shouldn’t they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there’s another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn’t matter.
It only gets better from there. Seriously, if more reviews took themselves a lot less seriously, the movie business would be a better place, guys.
Thanks to Twitter friend stackiii for the link.
The real question I bet you’re asking yourself is whether, after reading that review, I’ll still go see the movie or not. Well, to be perfectly honest, I really don’t know.
The sad thing here is that I read this whole review, plus a couple others and I’m still thinking I want to see Transformers 2. Yes, I know that we’re talking about the same Michael Bay who made Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, and The Island. However, he also made The Rock, and Bad Boys, which I know is not nearly enough to tip the scales. So, yes. I know. It’s the Emperor of Plot Holes, the Exploder of All Things Whether Explosive or Not, but…
Whom am I kidding? Last year’s Transformers made my geeky inner child cheer and caper like a Capuchin monkey in Banana Heaven. I enjoyed it more, I’m sure, because I wasn’t a complete Transformers fanboy (but don’t you even dare glance toward the Thundercats, Bay…) and there’s every chance that he won’t capture the magic twice in a row.
On the other hand, it’s bound to be more entertaining than Asteroids: The Movie.
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Category: It's Entertainment!, Screen, Big and Little
i love the Bazooka of Megatron, i don't understand why they did not include it on the movie ;""