Beware the Dreaded Brown Note!

I swear, I thought this story was a joke when I first read it on Michelle Malkin’s site last week. No, apparently, it’s hit the mainstream.

The leftist flakes planning on running rampant at the coming Democratic convention in Denver are trembling at the bowels in fear that the authorities will whip out the super-secret Area 51 equipment on them. Specifically, they’re afraid of the “brown note”.

What is the “brown note”? I’m glad you asked! There has been, for as long as I can remember, a persistent urban legend that if you can broadcast a sound at a low enough frequency, at a high enough volume, the vibrations will cause a human being to lose control of their bowels. The myth goes that the military found the right mix of frequency and volume and made a gun or cannon that can produce the “brown note” at the pull of a trigger. The “crap cannon” is a super-secret weapon that the military is just waiting for the right time to unveil.

And these rockheads think that the right time is during their temper tantrum in Denver later this summer.

Oh please.

First, the “brown note” isn’t real. It’s not even close to real. It has never been proven true, or even plausible. If these guys can’t figure that out on their own, they could have spent half an eipsode of Mythbusters watching them debunk the myth. What Mythbusters did find is that if you ram enough sound waves into a human body, you might be able to make someone sick to their stomach. The problem with doing that is you’ll need a humongous stack of speakers and you’ll need the target of your sonic vomit device to stand in the focal point of your speaker array. Protestors, dumb as they may be, are not likely to march one by one into a semi-circle of speakers that look like they fell off of Ted Nugent’s concert tour truck. Even if you could, you’d have to modulate the sound to match the particular resonant frequency of the individual’s colon, which is going to take a little bit of time. Even the most barkiest moonbat who still believes the “Bush lied” story is going to get a tad bit curious about why his chest is vibrating while he’s standing on that big letter “X”.

There are other problems with the “brown note” that you don’t need to be a scientist to figure out. See, low-frequency sounds have a couple inherent problems if you want to use them as weapons. The first problem is that low frequencies take a lot of energy to produce. If you want a sound low enough and robust enough to loosen someone’s bowels at a decent range (as opposed to right next to you), you’re going to need a bit more than a car battery. You’re going to need a power source big enough that you’ll need a truck of some kind, which kind of limits the range of your gun, since it has to stay plugged in to your power source. The second problem is that sound is really hard to aim. It dissipates very quickly, which is why you can hear someone talking when you’re standing behind them.

That means that even if our government does have a “brown note” cannon and it somehow has overcome the whole “everything has its own resonant frequency” problem, it still would have to figure out how to use it on one troublesome knot of spectators without the sound affecting everyone in hearing range. It simply wouldn’t do for the govenrment to cause a couple square miles of Denver to suddenly soil themselves at exactly the same moment. Especially if they’re still trying to keep the existence of the crap cannon secret. Some one is going to ask a couple questions, I’d expect.

But, really, though, this is all just too silly. If the government had this super-secret weapon, what in the world makes these moonbats think they would be the ones to get to see it used? What makes them so important that the government – the fascist Bush Theocrat government – is going to break the seal on the good stuff to deal with them? It’s a whole lot more likely that Chimpy McBushhitlerburton’s jackbooted thugs are going to whip out the tried and trusty truncheons and crack some hippie skull. We’ll save the good weapons for the enemies who really matter.

(via memeorandum)

Tags: 2008 Election, Democrats, Moonbats