Beware all you women and black voters who think you can have some influence on the election. You can’t, because Nora Ephron said so! No, I don’t know who she is either, but she’s important because she said was. According to her, y’all might as well hang it up right now becauise I have all the power, and not just any power, but Hate Power(tm)!
This is an election about whether the people of Pennsylvania hate blacks more than they hate women. And when I say people, I don’t mean people, I mean white men. How ironic is this? After all this time, after all these stupid articles about how powerless white men are and how they can’t even get into college because of overachieving women and affirmative action and mean lady teachers who expected them to sit still in the third grade even though they were all suffering from terminal attention deficit disorder — after all this, they turn out (surprise!) to have all the power. (As they always did, by the way; I hope you didn’t believe any of those articles.)
Muahahahaha! Kneel before Zod…err…my turgid electoral might!
Want to know what’s better? I have all the power even though I’m racist and unreliable. This I know because Nora “I Hates Me Some White Boys” Ephron has projected all the bad dates she’s had onto every white man in America.
..white men cannot be relied on, as all of us know who have spent a lifetime dating them
Gosh, Nora. Can I call you Nora? Well, of course I can. I have all the power! See, Nora, with that sunny disposition and ever-so-charming mien, It’s no surprise that men around you seemed unreliable. Really, though, it’s just that they seemed unreliable to you and you’re pretty lucky that’s all they seemed. What you saw as unreliability was really your dates’ proccupation with chewing off their own legs to get away from the restaurant with more important parts of their anatomy intact.
Folks, can you imagine how they must have felt at the moment they found out, fairly early in the date, that they weren’t dating a warm and engaging woman but a coal-hearted harpy. A human being can only stand so much haranguing before he feels the need to flee for friendlier climes, like a maximum security prison or a cage full of hungry wolverines.
Oh, crap. Did that sound tempermental? I’m sorry if it did. I can’t help it. See, according to sweet Nora, I have a horrible temper but I’m so dumb I think that it’s normal.
Here’s what I don’t understand. Nora’s been working for at least my entire lifetime on grabbing an appreciable chunk of political power for her gender, at least enough so that she won’t be stymied to the point of frustrated bitterness. Apparently, she’s not yet succeeded and one can assume that due to her continued defeats by the current power-holders (that’s me and my ilk, and don’t you forget it!). Yet we are – if the dainty flower Nora is to be believed – unreliable, backwards, racist, and stupid. So how do we continue to foil her ascent to the mountantop? They way I figure it, with my hate-filled unreliable mind, is that either we’re not quite as evil and incompetent as she lets on or she’s one of the most miserable failures on the face of the planet who has spent four decades getting beaten by her intellectual and moral inferiors. As Rachel Lucas said, “I wonder if it hurts to see the world that way. I kinda hope so.”
I think both options work, myself.