Michael Bay for the Win!

I saw Transformers with a couple good friends Saturday night. I normally don’t go out to movies, mostly because there aren’t many movies I’ve seen worth a ten-spot when I can just wait and see them on DVD for a lot less. And I get to sit around in my boxers when I watch which is something, I’m fairly sure, I wouldn’t be allowed to do for very long in a theater. So that’s a bonus.

I’m going to give you two reviews of the movie: a short one for you lazy bums who don’t have the time to read an actual review and a longer ones for the more discerning reader. I’m not going to tell you which one to read, but the longer one involves me bouncing up and down in my seat and going “SQUEEEEEEE!” with sheer giddy delight. I know which one I’d choose.

Here’s the short review – in five words:

Michael Bay, you are forgiven.

The longer review, with spoilers out the proverbial ying-yang, after the jump.

Okay, there will be spoilers. I mean it. Don’t complain to me if you get spoiled.

I really don’t like Michael Bay’s movies. I think that Armageddon was an indelible splotch on Bruce Willis’ career (and yes, I remember that he did Color of Night). It’s the movie where Aerosmith decided that it was going to stop being a rock and roll group and turn into the worst sort of wuss-rock balladeers. It’s the movie that turned an incredible cast of actors and wasted them as surely as if Bay had fed them into a wood chipper.

Transformers makes up for all of that.

It doesn’t make up for Pearl Harbor, so he’s got no room to get cocky, but he has something he can build on.

Okay, so let’s get the rough stuff out of the way. What’s not to like about the movie? Well, there are a few things, some of which really weren’t under Bay’s control. For one, we only get to see 13 Transformers – 8 Decepticons and 5 Autobots. I realize that Bay only has a certain budget for CGI, so we’re not going to get the Transformer-O-Rama I really wanted to see. He did make the most of what he had and managed to create fake characters that were, for the most part, as believable as the human beings on screen. In short, there were no Jar-Jars anywhere to be seen, and that’s good.

My second beef involves the “rebranding” of a couple of the Autobots. I don’t see a real good reason for turning Jazz into a Pontiac Solstice. I mean, for goodness sake, Jazz was a Porsche 935. Cars don’t get much cooler than that. Besides the obvious ad placement rebranding, Jazz did next to nothing in the movie, except getting torn into pieces by Megatron. Nice pointless death there Michael Bay. Thanks a ton for reducing my favorite Autobot – one who was a boss sports car, head of Autobot Special Operations, had his own cadre of agents, and a seamless undercover operative – into a jive-talking chunk of cannon-fodder. A pox on you, Mr. Bay, but only a small one. We’ll get to the good you did in just a bit. The next rebranding mystery involved Bumblebee who, when we last saw him was an enthusiastic and plucky little VW bug. Well, now we find out that he’s a plucky and enthusiastic 1977 Chevy Camaro, but only for about half the movie. Apparently, Bumblebee suffers from a bit of a self-image problem because he manages to turn himself into a shiny new Chevy Camaro (a huge step down from the legendary muscle car he was) after the Lead Hottie cracks wise on how shabby he looks. The way I figure it, if he could turn into a new Camaro, why on Earth couldn’t he turn into a fully-restored ’77 Camaro? That would have injected a welcome bit of style and would have set him apart from all the other shiny sleek showroom Transformers.

Those are relatively minor beefs compared to the rest of the movie though. I see why Bay reimaged a couple of the Autobots. This wasn’t a cheap movie to make and if he could get a pile of money from General Motors by turning a couple of the main characters into GM’s new fancymobiles, then okay. If it means a couple more eye-popping action scenes, I can live with it.

There were a couple more “Whaaaa?” moments involving a secondary hero wiring a computer to an old Army radio to send Morse code to the Pentagon (at least I think it was the Pentagon) and several cases of Movie Physics, but again, we’re talking minor quibbles. You also have to endure a stock explanation about how we humans are violent and primitive creatures with much progress. Coming from an alien robot whose war destroyed their planet, it seems out of place. Hey, everyone who still has their original home world raise their hand. No, Mr. Prime? then ix-nay the ectures-lay, okay?

And the action scenes really are eye-popping. I have to give bay a lot of credit for how he filmed the fight and chase scenes. There’s a lot to see, what with guns and missiles going off, robots turning into vehicles and back again (sometimes within seconds), buildings exploding, and soldiers pumping HEAT rounds into Decepticons. You have to walk a very straight line to get all that action in and make it comprehensible. If it’s too busy, it just looks like a giant roiling furball. If it’s not busy enough, the action falls flat.

There was one scene that actually got an audible “Wow” out of me. There is a chase scene on a highway that involves Autobots fleeing, Decepticons pursuing, collateral cars flying hither and yon, a bus exploding, and Optimus Prime turning from a truck to a robot while reversing his direction and heading that way. It was, I’ll tell you right now, the best action scene on a highway ever. That includes the amazing highway scene in The Matrix Reloaded. If that had been the only big action scene, it would have been worth the price of admission. It certainly was not the only one and they were, pretty much, as eye-popping and (believe it or not) credible as that.

Bay also deserves credit for getting emotions out of robots. I know that seems silly, but when Optimus Prime’s arriving at a battle, getting into a crouch, and saying “Megatron” can almost get me out of my chair cheering, it’s worth noting. It’s also worth noting that I would have cheered except that I’m fairly certain my friends would have instantly disowned me.

I should also give out some acting props. Shia LaBeouf vaults to the top of the “current actors with a last name you can also eat” category for his portrayal of a neurotic Shaggy who grows into a hero. Megan Fox, the main heroine, not only did a good job as Bad Girl Gone Good, but is absolutely stunning – Tea Leoni with even more screen heat. I almost couldn’t take my eyes off of her whenever she was on the screen. I can’t really describe how electric she was, so….here:

That kind of electricity the whole movie. Depending on how she picks her roles over the next couple of years (and I understand she’s already signed on for Transformers 2, she’s likely to have her pick of roles. Same for LaBoeuf, who seems to be able to carry the same “hapless schmuck” sort of vibe to whatever role he takes

Jon Voight again showed that he can pretty much handle any sort of role in any sort of movie. This time, he’s playing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld John Keller, man of a slight southern accent, decisive action, quick wit, and the ability to handle a shotgun in close quarters. By the way, according to this movie, it seems that in cases of national security involving Giant Robots, the Secretary of Defense is allowed to run pretty much everything. Nice to know the next time we confirm a SecDef. Someone needs to make sure that Joe Biden brings that up during the next administration. Oh, and make sure they can use a shotgun. It could be really important.

Hugo Weaving was impressive in his brief time as Megatron (and he really does chew the scenery as a bad guy, which I very much like). Bernie Mac has a great bit part that made me laugh more than it probably should have, considering that he wasn’t even the thrd most important character in the scene. Rachael Taylor (an Aussie getting ultra mega-high clearance in the Pentagon? Ehhh…well, okay) and Anthony Anderson were fine as stock secondary characters. They really didn’t get much time to step out of their stereotypes and it seemed that Bay got the benefit of having Naomi Watts and Kenan Thompson without the price tag by casting them. They do show some acting chops and I’d not mind seeing either of them in a bigger role.

Then there was John Turturro, an actor I’ve never quite liked in anything he’s done, who very nearly wrecked the whole movie. As the “face” of the super-secret Sector Seven, Turturro was…bizarre. My impression was that he was mouthing the lines to one scene but emoting as if he were in another scene altogether. He was that out of place in nearly every scene where he got most of the camera time. Get him into a supporting role in a scene and he was fine. I’m really not sure whether that was his doing or if the character was simply that bizarre. Early on in his part of the movie, LaBoeuf’s character asks him if he’s on drugs, and I have to admit, I was wondering the same thing. Luckily, he spent most of his time in the movie with Jon Voight and that, as much as anything, prevented his bizarre emoting from ruining the entire mood of the movie.

So what’s the final verdict? Well, if you’ve gotten this far, you won’t be surprised to see that I liked it a lot. Transformers would be a great movie for a Dad and his young teenage boy to go see. I’m not sure I’d recommend it for the younger guys, though. There’s a scene that involves the word “masturbation” played for yuks that might require some delicate explanations afterwards. That aside, there’s plenty of action, lots of explosions, a certified hottie, and good acting. There’s also a fair story of heroism, sacrifice and honor – stuff that we seem to get nowadays only when there are computer-generated characters involved.

Go see it. And if you happen to run across Michael Bay, tell him he did good.

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