Today’s Headlines, Tonight!

I wanted to drop a few headlines from today’s paper with minimal comments because…well…it just has to be a slow news day. Or month.

Headline, the First: “Sharpton Adds Voice to Antiwar Protest”.

Well, of course he does. There’s a crowd there ready to smooch his race-baiting, slanderous, murder-inciting posterior, isn’t there?

Headline, the Second: “Venezuela’s Chavez Gets Support of Rev. Jackson”.

Well, of course he does. There isn’t a tinpot dictator anywhere that Jesse Jackson won’t cozy up to. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if my descendants turned on the nightly news where the lead story was the jar-dwelling head of Jesse Jackson holding a summit meeting with Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. If the Romulans were real, we’d be in space right now because Jesse would have invented warp propulsion just to smooch up to them.

Headline, the Third: “Suge Knight Shot at Miami Beach Party”.

Well, of course he di – wait. That’s not right. Isn’t Suge usually the one doing the shooting at these parties? Maybe this is the end of Suge’s reign as Fastest Sideways-Aimed Nine Mil in North America, because it sure looks like someone drew down on his first. Man, it’s a sad, sad day when it’s Suge on the gurney instead of someone Suge doesn’t like. Tupac and Biggie must be spinning in their graves.

Headline, the Fourth: “Mideast Course At Mercy of Local Actors”.

There will be no peace until we get to perform “Oklahoma”, Allah be praised! Thespians are so freaking moody.

That headline was only marginally more confusing than the one on the front Web page, which was “Mideast Players Shift U.S. Goals” (explaining, of course, why the US won’t win the World Cup, thanks to those cheaterfaces!).

Headline, the Fifth: “Farley Gets Posthumous Walk of Fame Star”.

Need I point out that, unless there’s a Haitian Voodoo Walk of Fame I don’t know about, this is the only kind of Walk of Fame star Chris Farley can get?

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Category: General