Other Stories to be Published in Newsweek

In light of Newsweek’s statement that they were baffled by the Pentagon’s refusal to deny the “flushed Koran” story, I’d like to mention some other stories I expect to see in the magazine in the very near future.

I have it on very good authority that these stories are true. I know these things because I saw them on some report or such, or maybe I saw them on television, or someplace. That’s not important. What’s important is that I saw them and am ready to become an anonymous source for Newsweek. I expect that the Government will have no comment on any of them. That, as you well know, is par for the course for the Bush Administration that lies as easily as it breathes, eats human flesh, or hides its members’ prehensile pointed tails..

1. Aliens from the planet Omicron Persei VIII have been abducting human beings to harvest their “human horns” which they then sell on the black market as a potent aphrodisiac.Michael Jackson was their most prominent victim.
2. There is a disturbing pattern to the exorcisms being conducted by the Catholic Church since 2000. Every single person who has had a demon “cast out” has been a Democrat and subsequently voted Republican. These alleged exorcisms are not, in fact, spiritual battles against the forces of Hell but really a secret mind control chip implanting program launched in secret by Pope John Paul II in concert with Karl Rove.
3. Jerry Falwell is actually Timothy Leary’s love child.
4. Conservative Blogs, contrary to common belief, are not typed by people sitting at home in their pajamas. They are created by a complicated computer program designed by Bill Gates, built in a secret underground Texas facility. This program takes the daily Rethuglican talking points and runs them through a series of complicated processes to produce the blog posts you see every day. Prime examples of blogs produced by this program are the ones allegedly produced by Captain Ed, Michelle Malkin, and The Anchoress.
5. George Bush is not, in fact, a human being. He is a highly-advanced animatronic robot created by Jim Henson’s Muppet Factory in concert with the same people who built the robots for Disney’s various attractions. The Presidential debate flap over the suspicious bulge under the President’s jacket nearly exploded the story. Thankfully, the blog-authoring program (mentioned above) activated just in time to quash the rumors.
6. Glenn Reynolds is really Andrew Sullivan (to take advantage of that extra blogging income, of course). ON the few occasions they have appeared together, Glenn/Andrew has hired famed actor Greg Evigan to portray him.
7. In an effort to stir up more anti-American riots (and thus to more easily identify the rabble-rousers int he Muslim world), the Pentagon flushed several other items down various Guantanamo Bay toilets before they settled on a copy of the Koran. Other items flushed reportedly included: the first season of Knight Rider on DVD, A copy of Bill Clinton’s “My Life”, a full plate of hummus, Ty Pennington (of TV’s “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”), a copy of the Book of Mormon, and a lifesize cutout of Salman Rushdie.
8. A recent British intelligence memo has revealed that President Bush did in fact lie about Saddam’s Hussein’s possession of WMDs. The memo explains that further investigation of WMD reports revealed that they were, in fact, Chinese restaurant menus with the meals scratched out and various WMD names written in. The deception was found out when an eagle-eyed British analyst found “Almond Gai Ding” listed just above “Anthrax” and “Botulism”. This also explained, said the memo, why a shipment of VX Nerve gas also came with an egg roll.
9. Some photographs from Abu Ghraib do not, in fact, portray prisoner abuse at the hands of the guard. In particular, the photos of soldiers “stacking” naked prisoners in a pyramid actually indicate a secret Pentagon program to attempt to raise Iraqi morale by starting a naked male cheerleading squad for the nation’s international soccer team.

I fully expect a call from Michael Isikoff or John Kelly with the next day or so. Don’t tell anyone I’m the anonymos source, okay? It’ll just be between you and me.

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Category: General, Oh, THAT liberal media.