I need all of you Led Zeppelin fans out there to sit down. Please.
“The Battle of Evermore” is easily the worst song I have ever heard. Ever.
[Ever, ever?? – ed Ever, ever.]
It has lyrics that make “Macarthur Park” read like Shakespeake. What’s that? You don’t believe me?
The apples of the valley hold, The seas of happiness,
The ground is rich from tender care, Repay, do not forget, no, no.
Dance in the dark of night, sing to the morning light.
The apples turn to brown and black, The tyrant’s face is red.
Oh the war is common cry, Pick up you swords and fly.
The sky is filled with good and bad that mortals never know.
Look, people. I’m a musician. I know from bad. “Afternoon Delight” is bad. “Saturday Night” is bad. “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero” is bad.
“The Battle of Evermore” is worse. How much worse? Let’s just say it’s not even the best piece of music inspired by a Tolkien book. That honor would go to Rush’s “Rivendell” or maybe Styx’s “Lords of the Ring”. And even those were swill.
But more appropriately, I’m a Tolkien fan and a certified role-playing Geek (how was I certified? I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. But it involves an initiation similar to “Crossing the Desert” only with 12-sided dice inside Chivas Regal bags). I know what happens when someone – anyone – tries to write a song based on Tolkien. It start out with great intentions but soon it turns weenie and bland and generally the sort of thing you would use to reprogram cult members or to chase Jehovah’s Witnesses away from your front door.
Really, Zep fans. I”m sorry to have to tell you this, but the song is the worst ever made. Really.
But Kashmir rocks.